You are preparing for a presentation.
You started preparing the moment you found out you would be presenting, giving yourself plenty of time to come up with something really good. You have thought it through again and again. You have rehearsed it repeatedly. You go to sleep thinking about it and wake up thinking about it. When you picture yourself standing in front of the room, your chest tightens.
You want to do well. But what is driving that desire? Are you excited to grow and succeed, or are you trying to avoid failing, embarrassment, or shame?
Two people can work equally hard and achieve success for very different reasons. One person is moving toward something they want. The other is trying to avoid something they fear. From the outside, you can't necessarily tell them apart.
I recently read The Perfectionist's Guide to Losing Control by Katherine Morgan Schafler, and she asks a question I keep coming back to: Are you playing to win, or playing not to lose?
Playing to win is about reaching for something you want. Playing not to lose is about preventing something you fear or dread. One is driven by the possibility of a reward; the other by the need to avoid a negative outcome.
Someone motivated by the desire to succeed might feel satisfaction and pride after completing a thoroughly prepared presentation. They might use feedback as fuel to keep going and as a map for where they can grow next time.
Someone motivated by the fear of failure might feel relief instead. Finally, it's over. I made it out unscathed. Rather than taking feedback as useful information, they might hear it as confirmation of what they already fear about themselves, making it difficult to recognize what went well or feel a sense of accomplishment.
Of course, these motivations aren't mutually exclusive. You can genuinely care about doing well and also fear what it would mean to get something wrong. The question is which motivation tends to take the lead.
Fear-driven motivation often begins as a smart protective strategy. It can help you work hard, anticipate problems, meet expectations, and achieve a great deal. But it can also come at a cost. Avoiding failure might get the job done, but it can leave you feeling drained and anxious in the process. You may sidestep embarrassment or disappointment, only to spend the entire experience battling worry, pressure, and self-criticism. And sometimes, the fear isn't about failing at all. It's about disappointing someone else. Or discovering that, despite all your effort, you still aren't good enough.
I see this often, in my clients and in myself. In college, I tried to major in business, even though it wasn't what I really wanted. Everyone around me seemed to be doing it, and the alternative was not knowing what I wanted. At the time, not knowing felt too much like failure. Choosing a familiar path felt safer than risking the possibility of getting it wrong.
I've also caught myself trying to make something perfect to avoid judgment from others and, honestly, from myself. When I look closely, the pressure isn't always about creating something excellent. Sometimes it's about trying to make sure no one, including me, has a reason to be disappointed.
The tricky thing about playing not to lose is that it can look a lot like ambition. From the outside, it may look like dedication. On the inside, it can feel like there is no room to make mistakes. You might be successful, dependable, and accomplished. You might be the person everyone counts on. But if your decisions are increasingly shaped by what you are afraid might happen, it can become harder to recognize what you actually want.
You are not alone in this, and you don't need to have the way forward figured out to start exploring it.
This week, carry the question with you: Am I playing to win, or playing not to lose?
Notice how you feel after something goes well. Do you feel proud, satisfied, or excited about what's next? Or do you mostly feel relieved that nothing went wrong? When you receive feedback, can you take it in as information, or does it feel like a verdict on your worth?
You might also ask yourself: If I weren't trying to prove anything or prevent anyone's disappointment, what would matter to me here?
You don't have to stop caring about doing well. The goal is to understand what is driving you, so that fear doesn't have to make every decision for you.
If you recognize yourself in these patterns, therapy can be a space to explore what failure has come to mean to you, where the pressure comes from, and how to move toward a life that feels more like your own.
If you'd like support with this, feel free to reach out or book a consultation to explore working together.
